By Kat Wyeth, Senior Psychologist & Director, and Erin Hughes, Founder of HTE
In this powerful interview, Senior Psychologist Kat Wyeth shares why it’s normal for mums to feel a loss of identity after having children, and how embracing matrescence — the transformation of motherhood — can help women rediscover who they are becoming.
From a psychological perspective, why do so many mums feel a loss of identity after having children?
I love using matrescence as a really important way to describe what happens to us as we become mothers particularly in relation to the identity shift.
Similar to the shifts that happen to us through adolescence, matrescence is a time of complete psychological, hormonal, physical and emotional shifts that happen to women when they become mothers, and yet in western societies we do very little to acknowledge this shift.
We don’t recognise the complete existential ruptures women feel in most part of their lives as they enter motherhood, and this leaves lasting impacts on their identity, their relationships and their place in the world, we often leave little room for women to ‘figure it out’ as they go and often mothers feel pressure to enjoy motherhood and be able to let go of their past life quickly. But that is not the case for so many mums and that’s valid and a normal part of letting go.
Mothers can enter this stage of matrescence where they are quickly pulled into becoming a mother, learning how to feed, nurture, soothe and care for their child all while internally questioning
‘who am I now?’.
Women may love parts of their new life while also yearning for parts of their past life and the conflict between this can feel so confusing for mums, so I feel that a loss of identity is normal during this time because we lose touch with so many of the anchors that have helped our identity to remain strong and steady, like our hobbies, our career, our relationships, time for ourselves. Motherhood often takes our time and energy away from those things and can even change them permanently we might not even resonate with our old self anymore, and that can also be quite destabilising.
I often remind mothers that you can love your child and miss your old life, two things can exist, but the beauty of matrescence is that while it means a surrender to parts of your old life it makes room for transformation into a new you, one that might find new hobbies, passions, routines, strengths.
It can be really powerful to remind mums of the incredible shifts they have gone through and that it’s OK to take your time in the messy middle to figure it all out, because this is your first time as a mum too.
How much of this identity shift is natural and developmental versus driven by cultural/societal expectations about motherhood?
The identity shift through matrescence is a combination of both developmental and hormonal changes and cultural/societal expectations. While the developmental aspect involves significant hormonal, physical, and psychological changes,
the extent to which a mother’s identity is shaped is significantly influenced by societal expectations, such as the “perfect mother” myth, social media narratives around what mothering ‘should’ look like, a shift away from ‘traditional’ mothering roles and the increased pressure around working mothers as well as the cultural emphasis on maternal self-sacrifice.
What role do factors like career disruption, relationship changes, or social circles play in this identity shift?
Significant impacts, our relationships with our partners, friends, village and workplace are often the most stabilising, predictable and anchoring relationships in our lives, so when one or all of those are impacted then it creates incredible distress, destabilisation, confusion and self-doubt for women navigating matrescence. Mothers I speak to who are career focussed often mention that by not being at work, they lose a stabilising force. They lose their routine, collegial support, a feeling of purpose, as though they’re achieving something or doing something ‘right’. Whereas motherhood may not always perfectly fill the gap and offer any of those things, and that can be so difficult for mothers which can lead to post partum anxiety, worry and overwhelm.
Relationship changes can also be so unsettling for mothers, resentment, postpartum rage and depletion can wreak havoc on our romantic relationships with the non-birthing parent and can be really hard to work through, particularly throwing sleep deprivation, raising a child and all the hormonal, psychological and emotional shifts that are happening simultaneously.
Mothers often lose touch with their social circles, due to limited time, capacity and feeling overall disconnected or not having much in common with some friends. Or the thought of socialising, making conversation or just comparing yourself to other mothers or friends can be a bit overwhelming, so many mothers may feel isolated and alone in this time.
Are there protective factors that can help mums hold onto their sense of self while embracing motherhood or have confidence to prioritise themselves to find themselves?
What can be really helpful first and foremost is surrendering to the idea that you need to be a ‘perfect mother’ and that you may not go back to your old self in exactly the same way.
And there is a certain grief around letting go of the past you that needs mourning, time and space.
In the same breath knowing that letting go also opens up space for self-compassion, letting yourself figure it out and not always have it together, allows more capacity for boundaries, for adapting to this next version of you. You are still the same you, it’s just finding ways to connect back to those old parts that are important to you and finding ways to honour the new parts too.
On a practical sense setting small moments of time for yourself, knowing that mum guilt may creep in when doing something for you but a reminder to ask yourself ‘that by taking time for me what am I modelling to my child here?’ time for self isn’t selfish it’s actually one of the most important and nourishing things you can do for you.
In the early days letting people help may be uncomfortable but allowing yourself to build up to it can be really helpful too.
I also find it helpful to encourage women to connect back to parts of themselves that they love, or even if they’re not sure going back to the hobbies, activities they loved in childhood.
How can communities, workplaces, and families better support mums in balancing their new role with their individual identity?
I think local communities do a fantastic job in supporting mothers, I do often think a lot of onus still lies on mothers though to connect to mothers groups, to take children to the appointments etc. Often subtle language around the maternal expectation for mothers to parent instead of fathers or non-birthing partners is something that can always be progressed. I also think community healthcare could do a lot more to support fathers too, often their mental health doesn’t get as readily screened, and given they are usually a huge support for mothers, it’s important they are looked after too and have their own village too.
I think workplaces can offer more flexible working from home arrangements and ensure mothers have access to EAP services. As well as offering equal opportunities to mothers.
Families can create more of a shared responsibility system, mothers still tend to carry a lot of the default parenting load which is often invisible, so as simple as setting time each week to factor in some time for connecting to self, therapy, connecting to friends, hobbies etc outside of being a mum can be helpful.
